Only if...

"If I live or if I die", I think. What if death arrived now? Untimely and unwelcome? Would I play chess with death like in Bergman's Seventh seal? I would lose. My queens head-diagrams would be all wrong. I would be walking out the wrong exits and wondering what happened to all that time lost in the gulleys, lighting cigarettes, having tea. I would think of the times I was the happiest. Cycling around in Benaras wearing white Kurta and pyjama and the classic Benarasi waistcoat. In three colours. Its time to start thinking of happiness in terms of the non-abstract. How could I find happiness and peace of mind on a constant plane? Constant paradigm. Architecture of the inward arkeology. The Psychograph of Dara Okat, as it were. Constantly evolving and absorbed by clouds and river water. Fire has this immense power to suck you right in thru the fountains of its embers. Orange is like providence. It gives. Always. A new found trajectory of the sun. Beyond stars and silence. Its inconsequential. Time is irrelevant now. Its just a fragment of my imagination. I could imagine the most bizarre things. From the smallest little insect to the largest living land mammal. They are all life. Created by this amazing superthrow dynamic being, blue-lit and sky-covered. I have to come to myself and find my sun. The truth. I have to give up on any sort of habit. Any dependency. Got to become like a transparency, lungs all clean of smoke. What if death arrived now? Would I have any regrets? Or would I be unwelcome in that land somewhere from here, planet X. Or would the full stop in Benaras?